There's absolutely nothing that prepares you for the loss of a parent, particularly just before his 54th birthday. Yes, I guess I knew it was possible - after all, he'd had two previous heart attacks, and we all DO die someday - but Kristi and I used to joke when we'd worry about things that Dad would probably outlive us all with his uncanny luck. There's no step-by-step guide called "What to do when your dad dies," and I know this for sure because I googled it (and seriously think someone should make one by the way). My supervisor, Donna, said it best when she said to prepare for fighting waves in the ocean: some days you're fine, other days you're a mess, and there's not a lot of predictability to it at all. I can definitely attest to the truth of that.
I miss Dad every day. I often think of things I should have said or done that I won't get the chance to do. Sometimes, I almost call him to discuss the latest football win of a favorite team or to tell him something cool that happened. I thought of him a lot in England this summer - which is strange because he never went there - but there were often little things that would remind me of him. I even find myself using some of the sayings that he used when we were little.
I wonder what he would think about things and what he'd be doing if he was still here. I know his last six months or so were the happiest he'd been in a long time, and I hope that would have continued. It's so hard to think of all the things that Dad didn't get to be a part of - meeting my sister's boyfriend, hearing about our time in England, seeing B.J. help coach the Katy Tigers to the district championship, on and on and on. I grieve that he won't be there to dance with my sister when she gets married, and he won't get to hold his grandbabies. He would have loved that. I hope that I am able to convey to my kids all of the great things about Dad enough that they feel like they had him as a grandpa, even though they won't remember him.
I took a personal day today, knowing it would be a hard day. I'm going to go to IHOP in a few minutes and get a "Rooty Tooty Fresh n Fruity". I wasn't sure what I would do with the rest of the day, but it turns out that I have to go to the cardiologist - kind of an ironic way to honor your dad who died of a heart attack, I know. I'll blog later about all my health stuff.
Here are a few photos of my Dad with us. Thank you for letting me share this with you.
I would love to hear your favorite memories of my Dad too, so please feel free to leave a comment!
The happy couple. Congratulations, Karl and Christine!
